full of and's anf but's
by Tokoyonokuni
Summary: He's gone.He has been gone for a while. To be specific he has been gone for eight years, seven months, two weeks and five days-give and take. And yes, I've kept count of every day and I'm dreading every second ever since.


He is gone.

He has been gone for a while. To be specific he has been gone for eight years, seven months, two weeks and five days-give and take. And yes, I've kept count of every day and I'm **dreading** every second ever since.

I'd say it's a wonder, why I haven't taken my own life yet, when the source of my happiness has long disappeared and there's almost nothing that ties me to this world. Almost nothing.

Nothing but a promise.

The only thing that kept me going. No, the thing that **keeps **me going is a promise. A promise I made with him.

To continue living.

And truth be told, I've kept that promise _halfheartedly._

I still dream of him every now and then, and I've had nightmares of his **death. **And I can see it clearly, either with my eyes open or shut. Because the memory is vivid among my thoughts.

I can't forget it.

I see him lying on the ground, skin gone pale and his shirt was stained with blood.

His blood.

He winced in pain, and he struggled to breath. I hurried to his side, my heart was in panic. I knew I was about to loose him, and he knew it too. But I kept saying he'll be fine, I kept thinking he'll be alright, that he would somehow make it no matter how dire our predicament was, and I kept reassuring myself.

Because he won't.

He was a realist, and I had never hated that fact until that moment. He knew that there wasn't enough time. By the moment help would arrive, it would already be too late.

And he was not one to give false hope.

It was a critical shot, and he was loosing too much blood. The bullet was digging a whole inside him.

A bullet that was meant for me.

He only had a few more minute to spare. He took hold of my hand and locked gazes with me. For a moment I was lost in his eyes. He was reading my thoughts, to him I had always been an open book. His brows knit together, and he pointed me with a glare.

He knew I would kill myself if he dies.

He frowned and mustered up a commanding voice, "You can't."

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I was going to retort back, "But-" He cut me off, "You **won't****!**"

"You'll continue **living. **Even without me."

"Promise me." The more he spoke, the more I cried. With the last bit of his strength, he squeezed my hand and urged me to reply.

"**Promise me."**

He repeated. I squeezed back, still silent. I didn't want to. He took a shaky breath and said his last words.

"P-Please promise me Yugi."

His voice had gone weak, it no longer hold that demanding tone I was accustomed to. His grip on my hand was starting to loosen, the light in his eyes was fading, and he was _pleading._

My heart was wrenching, it was the first time he ever pleaded for anything, and it would also be the last. And I couldn't bear the thought of a world without him. But I couldn't say no to him. Not then, and not now.

To deny him his last wish was much too cruel. And there was no more time to argue.

"I promise."

He smiled for the last time, and I watched him steal his last breath. His hand fell from mine, his body went limp, and I closed his eyes. I hugged his lifeless body close to mine and I cried silently.

It was over.

**He was gone.**

He died with a smile on his face and my name as his last word.

And he took half of my heart with him.

Now I've been living incompletely for eight years, seven months, two weeks, five days and still counting. And I haven't been _truly_ happy for along while. But I've managed to fool everyone else.

I made sure not to worry anyone. And I kept the act of being happy. That's my job. Because I was an idealist, and I want everyone to be happy. And everyone is, everyone but me.

But they don't need to know my well-being and I won't let them. Because I'm not worth the trouble. I've always been a lost cause.

This can be easily seen in my past.

Very few knew that I used to be the sole heir of a prestigious family. But I turned out to be a disappointment to my parents and a disgrace to the family name. So in result, I was disowned and was sent to live with a distant relative. And said relative accepted me all too begrudgingly.

My last name was changed to "Motou," no one in my family bears this name. For all I know it's probably made up. But it was proven otherwise.

At the age of thirteen I met someone who had a striking resemblance to me. He said his name was "Yami Motou."

When I was sixteen I caught wind of the news about my former family, it was something about the family heir. It left me confused, because from what I knew I was the sole heir.

Or at least I used to be.

I presumed my parents just had another child, which would mean I was replaced by a younger brother. That would have been fine.

But what happened was something **entirely** different.

Instead I was replaced by a _stranger,_ someone who had no connection to the family whatsoever.

The majority was clueless, but I knew all too well that the current heir was a fraud. Because my replacement, by the name, "Yami Sennen," was the former "Yami Motou."

But in a weird twist of fate, I somehow became friends with Yami Sennen.

He might have felt pity for me or maybe he felt guilty, because he went out of his way to get along with me. Unfortunate for him I was known to hold a grudge, so it took some time. But things worked out well between us.

We became good friends. And for once, I actually felt happy.

He was my best friend, he's practically family. The only _real _family I got.

And he swore to always have my back and he stood by that promise.

When I was kicked out, he forced me to live with him. He helped me made friends, he helped me out of serious trouble and he even helped me find a job. This guy might as well have been my dad or mom, since he fusses over me and nags at me just like one, and frequently leaves me feeling like a twelve year-old.

Admittedly, there were time when he would strike a nerve or two, but I can easily forgive him. Because after all he had done for me, bearing with his authoritarian self has become highly insufferable.

As far as I know it's nice to have someone who cared.

And before I knew it, my life became some kind of cliché. You know, the whole "falling in love with your bestfriend" thing. But it was likely one-sided since he had a girlfriend, and I was fine with it.

Because he cared.

That was good enough for me.

_'As long as he was happy, everything would be okay.' _

That's what I thought to myself, and I meant it. I **really** thought I meant it.

Lately I barely get to see him anymore, since he spends his free time with his girlfriend. I knew that it was wrong for me to be jealous but I just couldn't help it. It felt like someone was stealing something important from me.

I became paranoid.

I grew afraid, that he would forget about me entirely. That he would marry that girl soon and leave me. That he wouldn't care anymore.

He wouldn't be _my_family anymore.

And at that moment I became restless. I lost my appetite, I barely ate anything in a day. And I couldn't rest without seeing him first. There was no point in going to bed early since I couldn't sleep anyways, so I had resolved to wait for him every night.

He usually arrives at nine when he was straight from work, and eleven when he was on a date. Though there were two to three times when he arrived at around two and at four in the morning, and he'd be surprised to see me still wide awake and eager to welcome him home.

And there were those times when I had to go to work without a wink of sleep at all

Once he jokingly compared me to a dog faithfully waiting for its owner. Then he would give me that stern look and scold me for staying up too late. And he was bewildered when I countered him with a grin.

I've been worrying him lately. It seemed like the bags under my eyes were becoming much more apparent and I was getting thinner. He said I looked like a malnourished panda, and I just laughed. I was happy to get even just a bit of his attention.

After that he suddenly started coming home early and even ate dinner with me. I don't know his reason but I guess I got lucky. And from then on, there was no more restlessness.

Later on I got caught up in a dangerous situation that somehow ended with a gun pointed at me. Apparently, someone loathed my parents-I couldn't blame him, he was the former CEO of a company the family brought down.

He wanted to smite the Sennens by disposing the **true **family heir.

He managed to find out that Yami was adopted and that I was the legitimate child of the current head, and he had **mistakenly** assumed that I was hidden for safety reasons. Oh, how wrong he was!

But it was hopeless. I tried to reason with the man but he wouldn't heed my words, he was blinded by revenge. He pointed his gun and pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes waiting for my impending doom.

I was supposed to die then.

But the bullet never came.

Someone was blocking me. And for the first time, I wasn't happy to see Yami.

Now, I don't want anyone else to worry for me.

I **don't** want anyone else taking the bullet for me.

I think I might be losing my mind. It's probably stress.

Lately I find myself hallucinating again. That's right. I do mean _again. _The first time was during the first month after his death. For the whole month or so, I saw hallucinations of him. I saw him in places he used to go, doing the things he used to do.

There were even times when I had completely believed that it was real. That he was actually there, that he never left. But then I realized that I was in denial, because I knew he was gone. He had gone somewhere very far away and he's **never **coming back. Once I stopped being in denial, the hallucinations ceased as well.

Though there were still those times, when I'm either half awake or very tired, I hallucinate again. But I didn't just see him. I could hear him as well. He would even start a conversation with me and I would remember how much I missed him and I would start talking back.

And I remembered the him comforting me.

And oddly enough, I remembered the him telling me to move on.

But this time he's much too real.

And I knew It can't be. It was ridiculous! I knew he was dead and I was no longer in denial. Then why do I still see him?

I now live in a different apartment, in a **different city**. Yet why do I see him daily?

In places he didn't used to be, doing things he didn't used to do and dressed in clothes he never owned. And he can even be seen by other people. What's happening?

He was gone. I listened when he said his last words and I watched when he took his last breath.

If so. Why is there another him, standing there, speaking, **breathing.**

He is looking my way and he's walking towards me.

He is gone.

He has been gone for eight years, seven months, two weeks, five days, 9 hours, 15 seconds and still counting. He has been gone for a long while! What I see now is a hallucination. My mind is just playing tricks on me.

Why is he still there?

He stops in front of me, he tilted his head at me while I just stare.

_'He's gone.' _

_'He's gone.' _

_'He's gone.' _

_'He's gone.' _

_'He's gone.' _

_'He's gon-'_

My mantra was cut off as he wave his hand at my face, "Hello?" he says. I snapped out of my thoughts. I stare at him in wonder.

He extends his hands to me and stars to speak again, "Um..Motou-san? I'm Atem Millenia, I'll be your co-worker from now on."

Oh fate, How cruel could you get?


End file.
